Scene 7

Brian meets the P.F.J. at the forum

[trumpets]

[clap clap clap]

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Mineburg.

BRIAN:

Want some...

VOICE:

Thank you, fellows.

BRIAN:

Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get 'em while they're hot. They're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats.

JUDITH:

I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.

REG:

Agreed. Francis?

FRANCIS:

Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--

STAN:

Or woman.

FRANCIS:

Or woman... to rid himself--

STAN:

Or herself.

FRANCIS:

Or herself.

REG:

Agreed.

FRANCIS:

Thank you, brother.

STAN:

Or sister.

FRANCIS:

Or sister. Where was I?

REG:

I think you'd finished.

FRANCIS:

Oh. Right.

REG:

Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--

STAN:

Or woman.

REG:

Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.

STAN:

Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

FRANCIS:

Why are you always on about women, Stan?

STAN:

I want to be one.

REG:

What?

STAN:

I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.

REG:

What?!

LORETTA:

It's my right as a man.

JUDITH:

Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

LORETTA:

I want to have babies.

REG:

You want to have babies?!

LORETTA:

It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

REG:

But... you can't have babies.

LORETTA:

Don't you oppress me.

REG:

I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!

LORETTA:

[crying]

JUDITH:

Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.

FRANCIS:

Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.

REG:

What's the point?

FRANCIS:

What?

REG:

What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!

FRANCIS:

It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

REG:

Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

[trumpets]

[clap clap clap]

GUARD:

Get out there.

BORIS:

It's, um--

GUARD:

Get out there.

BORIS:

It's dangerous out there. Ah ah. Ah! Oh.

[clap clap clap]

[clank]

Ooh.

CROWD:

Aaah. Ohh...

SPECTATOR:

What a load of rubbish.

BRIAN:

Larks' tongues. Otters' noses. Ocelot spleens.

REG:

Got any nuts?

BRIAN:

I haven't got any nuts. Sorry. I've got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens--

REG:

No, no, no.

BRIAN:

Otters' noses?

REG:

I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.

JUDITH:

Why don't you sell proper food?

BRIAN:

Proper food?

REG:

Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit-bits.

BRIAN:

Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff.

REG:

All right. Bag of otters' noses, then.

FRANCIS:

Make it two.

REG:

Two.

FRANCIS:

Thanks, Reg.

BRIAN:

Are you the Judean People's Front?

REG:

Fuck off!

BRIAN:

What?

REG:

Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front. Cawk.

FRANCIS:

Wankers.

BRIAN:

Can I... join your group?

REG:

No. Piss off.

BRIAN:

I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.

PEOPLE'S FRONT OF JUDEA:

Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shh. Shhhh.

REG:

Schtum.

JUDITH:

Are you sure?

BRIAN:

Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.

REG:

Listen. If you really wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans.

BRIAN:

I do!

REG:

Oh, yeah? How much?

BRIAN:

A lot!

REG:

Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.

P.F.J.:

Yeah...

JUDITH:

Splitters.

P.F.J.:

Splitters...

FRANCIS:

And the Judean Popular People's Front.

P.F.J.:

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters...

LORETTA:

And the People's Front of Judea.

P.F.J.:

Yeah. Splitters. Splitters...

REG:

What?

LORETTA:

The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.

REG:

We're the People's Front of Judea!

LORETTA:

Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

REG:

People's Front! C-huh.

FRANCIS:

Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?

REG:

He's over there.

P.F.J.:

Splitter!

GOLIATH:

[pant pant pant] Ooh. Ooh. I-- I think I'm about to have a... cardiac arrest. Ooh. Ooh.

SPECTATOR:

Absolutely dreadful. Hmm.

CROWD:

[cheering]

REG:

Yes, brother! Ha ha. What's your name?

BRIAN:

Brian. Brian Cohen.

REG:

We may have a little job for you, Brian.

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