Scene 15

Guards search Matthias' house

REG:

Daniel.

LORETTA:

Daniel.

FRANCIS:

Job.

REG:

Job.

LORETTA:

Job.

FRANCIS:

Joshua.

REG:

Joshua.

LORETTA:

Joshua.

FRANCIS:

Judges.

REG:

Judges.

LORETTA:

Judges.

FRANCIS:

And Brian.

REG:

And Brian.

LORETTA:

And Brian.

REG:

I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.

LORETTA:

I second that, Reg.

REG:

Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings!

[thump]

Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a--

MATTHIAS:

Look out!

BRIAN:

Hello? Matthias! Reg!

REG:

Go away!

BRIAN:

Hm? Reg, it's me, Brian!

REG:

Get off! Get off out of it!

BRIAN:

Stan!

LORETTA:

Piss off.

COMMANDO:

Yeah, piss off!

REG:

Bugger off.

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

Ohh,...

[bam bam bam bam bam]

...shit!

[bam]

BRIAN:

Uhh.

MATTHIAS:

Coming!

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

[bam bam bam bam bam bam]

BORING PROPHET:

Yea, verily, at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah. A man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey and anyone...

[crack]

...in the vicinity...

[creak crack]

...of his nephew or the donkey.

MATTHIAS:

My eyes are dim. I cannot see.

CENTURION:

Are you Matthias?

MATTHIAS:

Yes.

CENTURION:

We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the 'People's Front of Judea'.

MATTHIAS:

Me? No. I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent.

CENTURION:

Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house.

[clomp clomp clomp...]

You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal?

MATTHIAS:

No.

CENTURION:

Crucifixion.

MATTHIAS:

Oh.

CENTURION:

Nasty, eh?

MATTHIAS:

Hm. Could be worse.

CENTURION:

What do you mean, 'could be worse'?

MATTHIAS:

Well, you could be stabbed.

CENTURION:

Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, horrible death!

MATTHIAS:

Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.

CENTURION:

You're weird.

[clomp clomp clomp...]

SERGEANT:

No, sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.

CENTURION:

But don't worry! You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.

MATTHIAS:

Big Nose.

CENTURION:

Watch it.

MATTHIAS:

Phew, that was lucky.

BRIAN:

I'm sorry, Reg.

REG:

Ohhh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right, then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed--

[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]

[creak crack]

BORING PROPHET:

...this great, big, juicy melon behind.

[bam bam bam bam bam bam]

MATTHIAS:

My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes?

CENTURION:

There's one place we didn't look. Guards!

MATTHIAS:

I'm just a poor old man.

[clomp clomp clomp...]

My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered.

CENTURION:

Have you ever seen anyone crucified?

MATTHIAS:

Crucifixion's a doddle.

CENTURION:

Don't keep saying that.

[clomp clomp clomp...]

SERGEANT:

Found this spoon, sir.

CENTURION:

Well done, Sergeant! We'll be back, oddball.

[bam bam bam bam bam]

Open up!

MATTHIAS:

You haven't given us time to hide.

[crack crack]

BRIAN:

Aaaaah!

Back to the Life of Brian page / On to the next scene!