Scene 16

Brian the prophet

BORING PROPHET:

...The nephew or the donkey.

[whap]

Wha! Woooah!

[fwump]

[clap clap clap]

FALSE PROPHET:

...And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike...

BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET:

...Time when we all come together, and go...

PROPHET IN WHITE:

...And holes for the...

PROPHET IN BLACK:

...Jumbo jets...

PROPHET IN WHITE:

...every bitch how you got germs from...

PROPHET IN BLACK:

...fly up near the...

BRIAN:

Don't you, eh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself.

COLIN:

What?

BRIAN:

I said, 'Don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged, too.'

COLIN:

Who, me?

BRIAN:

Yes.

COLIN:

Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.

BRIAN:

Well, not just you. All of you.

DENNIS:

That's a nice gourd.

BRIAN:

What?

DENNIS:

How much do you want for the gourd?

BRIAN:

I don't. You can have it.

DENNIS:

Have it?

BRIAN:

Yes. Consider the lilies...

DENNIS:

Eh, d-- d-- don't you want to haggle?

BRIAN:

No. ...in the field.

DENNIS:

What's wrong with it, then?

BRIAN:

Nothing. Take it.

ELSIE:

Consider the lilies?

BRIAN:

Uh, well, the birds, then.

EDDIE:

What birds?

BRIAN:

Any birds.

EDDIE:

Why?

BRIAN:

Well, have they got jobs?

ARTHUR:

Who?

BRIAN:

The birds.

EDDIE:

Have the birds got jobs?!

FRANK:

What's the matter with him?

ARTHUR:

He says the birds are scrounging.

BRIAN:

Oh, uhh, no, the point is the birds. They do all right. Don't they?

FRANK:

Well, good luck to 'em.

EDDIE:

Yeah. They're very pretty.

BRIAN:

Okay, and you're much more important than they are, right? So, what are you worrying about? There you are. See?

EDDIE:

I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.

BRIAN:

I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies.

ARTHUR:

He's having a go at the flowers now.

EDDIE:

Oh, give the flowers a chance.

DENNIS:

I'll give you one for it.

BRIAN:

It's yours.

DENNIS:

Two, then.

BRIAN:

Ohh. Look. There was this man, and he had two servants.

ARTHUR:

What were they called?

BRIAN:

What?

ARTHUR:

What were their names?

BRIAN:

I don't know. And he gave them some talents.

EDDIE:

You don't know?!

BRIAN:

Well, it doesn't matter!

ARTHUR:

He doesn't know what they were called!

BRIAN:

Oh, they were called 'Simon' and 'Adrian'. Now--

ARTHUR:

Oh! You said you didn't know!

BRIAN:

It really doesn't matter. The point is there were these two servants--

ARTHUR:

He's making it up as he goes along.

BRIAN:

No, I'm not! ...And he gave them some ta-- Wait a minute. Were there three?

ARTHUR:

Ohh.

EDDIE:

Oh, he's terrible!

ARTHUR:

He's terrible.

BRIAN:

There were three.

ARTHUR:

Thpppt!

BRIAN:

They were-- they were st-- stewards, really.

ELSIE:

Aww, get off!

BRIAN:

Ooh! Eh, uh, b-- b-- now-- now hear this! Blessed are they...

DENNIS:

Three.

BRIAN:

...who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth,...

MAN:

Rubbish!

BRIAN:

...and to them only shall be given-- to them only... shall... be... given...

ELSIE:

What?

BRIAN:

Hmm?

ELSIE:

Shall be given what?

BRIAN:

Oh, nothing.

ELSIE:

Hey! What were you going to say?

BRIAN:

Nothing.

ARTHUR and FRANK:

Yes, you were.

ELSIE:

Yes. You were going to say something.

BRIAN:

No, I wasn't. I'd finished.

ELSIE:

Oh, no you weren't.

ARTHUR:

Oh, come on. Tell us before you go.

BRIAN:

I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.

ELSIE:

No, you hadn't.

BLIND MAN:

What won't he tell?

EDDIE:

He won't say.

BLIND MAN:

Is it a secret?

BRIAN:

No.

BLIND MAN:

Is it?

EDDIE:

Must be. Otherwise, he'd tell us.

ARTHUR:

Oh, tell us the secret.

BRIAN:

Leave me alone.

YOUTH:

What is this secret?

GIRL:

Is it the secret of eternal life?

EDDIE:

He won't say!

ARTHUR:

Well, of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.

YOUTH:

No.

BRIAN:

Leave me alone.

GIRL:

Just tell me, please.

ARTHUR:

No. Tell us, Master. We were here first.

DENNIS:

Five.

BRIAN:

Ah!

GIRL:

Just tell--

BRIAN:

Go away!

GIRL:

Tell us, Master.

DENNIS:

I can't go above five.

GIRL:

Tell-- Is that His gourd?

YOUTH:

We've got this here.

DENNIS:

Yeah, but it's under offer.

GIRL:

This is His gourd!

DENNIS:

Ten!

GIRL:

It is His gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! Master?

YOUTH:

He's gone! He's been taken up!

GIRL:

Hhhh!

FOLLOWERS:

For He's been taken up!

DENNIS:

Eighteen!

ARTHUR:

No, there He is. Over there.

FOLLOWERS:

Oh, yeah. Master! Master!...

[FOLLOWERS chase BRIAN]

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