Scene 20

Pilate and Biggus Dickus

[whump]

BRIAN:

Aah.

PILATE:

Well, Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.

BRIAN:

A what?

[slap]

Aaagh.

PILATE:

This time, I guawantee you will not escape. Guard, do we have any cwucifixions today?

GUARD #1:

A hundred and thirty-nine, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir.

PILATE:

Wight. Now we have a hundwed and forty. Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?

BIGGUS DICKUS:

Hm hm hm hm hm.

CENTURION:

Hail Caesar!

PILATE:

Hail.

CENTURION:

The crowd outside is getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please.

PILATE:

Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.

CENTURION:

Ah, no. I know sir, but--

PILATE:

My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Biggus Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome just to hear it.

CENTURION:

Hail Caesar.

BIGGUS:

Hail Thaethar!

CENTURION:

You're not-- ah, you're not, uh, thinking o-- of giving it a miss this year, then, sir?

PILATE:

Give it a miss?

CENTURION:

Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.

PILATE:

Weally, Centuwion? I'm surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.

CENTURION:

A... bit thundery, sir.

PILATE:

Take him away.

BRIAN:

I'm a Roman! I-- I can prove it, honestly!

PILATE:

And cwucify him well! Biggus.

CENTURION:

Ah, I-- I really wouldn't, sir.

PILATE:

Out of the way, Centuwion.

BIGGUS:

Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.

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