Scene 24

The jailer and his assistant

NISUS:

Next. Hhh, crucifixion?

ALFONSO:

Yes.

NISUS:

Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?

BRIAN:

Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.

NISUS:

Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?

JAILER:

What?

NISUS:

Uh, how many have come through?

JAILER:

What?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT:

Uh, y-- y-- y-- y-- y-- you'll have to s-- speak-- s-- s-- s-- sp-- spe-- speak-- speak-- s-- spe-- s-- s-- p-- p-- peak-- speak up a bit, sir. He's-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d--

NISUS:

Ah.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT:

Oh, he's-- he's--

[whap]

He's deaf as-- dea-- deaf as a p-- p-- post, sir.

NISUS:

Uhh, how many have come through?!

JAILER:

Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

NISUS:

Oh, dear.

JAILER:

Hee huh.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT:

I make it ninety-fff--...

NISUS:

Ah.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT:

ninety-fff-- ninety-fffff-- ninety-six, sir.

NISUS:

Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT:

N-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no, sir. N-- not-- not with these b-- bastards, sir. C-- cr-- rrrr-- c-- c-- crrr-- c-- c-- c-- crrrrucifixion's too good for 'em, sir.

NISUS:

I don't think you can say it's too good for them. It's-- it's very nasty.

JAILER'S ASSISTANT:

Well, it's not as n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no-- no-- no-- not as n-- nasty as something I just thought up, sir.

NISUS:

No.

JAILER:

Hm?

NISUS:

Now, um, crucifixion.

BRIAN:

Is there someone I can speak to?

NISUS:

Well--

JAILER:

I know where to get it, if you want it.

NISUS:

What?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT:

Uh, d-- don't-- don't worry about hi-- him, sir. He's de-- he's de--

[whap]

He's de-- de-- de-- he's deaf and m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- mad, sir.

NISUS:

How did he get the job?

JAILER'S ASSISTANT:

Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.

JAILER:

Heh heh.

MR. CHEEKY:

Get a move on, Big Nose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.

BRIAN:

Could I see a lawyer or someone?

NISUS:

Um, do-- do you have a lawyer?

BRIAN:

No, but I'm a Roman.

MR. CHEEKY:

How about a re-trial? We've got plenty o' time.

PARVUS:

Shut up, you!

MR. CHEEKY:

Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour.

[whump]

Oooh.

NISUS:

I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Line on the left. One cross each. Now...

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