Scene 1

'A swallow carrying a coconut?'

[opening music]

[wind]

[clop clop clop]

KING ARTHUR:

Whoa there!

[clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #1:

Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR:

It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!

SOLDIER #1:

Pull the other one!

ARTHUR:

I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy.

We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER #1:

What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR:

Yes!

SOLDIER #1:

You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR:

What?

SOLDIER #1:

You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.

ARTHUR:

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--

SOLDIER #1:

Where'd you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR:

We found them.

SOLDIER #1:

Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR:

What do you mean?

SOLDIER #1:

Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR:

The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

SOLDIER #1:

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR:

Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER #1:

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR:

It could grip it by the husk!

SOLDIER #1:

It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR:

Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?

SOLDIER #1:

Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

ARTHUR:

Please!

SOLDIER #1:

Am I right?

ARTHUR:

I'm not interested!

SOLDIER #2:

It could be carried by an African swallow!

SOLDIER #1:

Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.

SOLDIER #2:

Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

ARTHUR:

Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!

SOLDIER #1:

But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.

SOLDIER #2:

Oh, yeah.

SOLDIER #1:

So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.

[clop clop clop]

SOLDIER #2:

Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

SOLDIER #1:

No, they'd have to have it on a line.

SOLDIER #2:

Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!

SOLDIER #1:

What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

SOLDIER #2:

Well, why not?

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